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when the crash came, we all took the blame
I need a new bike which is not a ridiculously heavy Huffy bought at the local discount department store one late spring day years ago on a whim, by someone who knew nothing about bikes (how they're built or how they're maintained or how they fall apart), by someone who only knew that she wanted to go far and fast in the cold, bright sun. Fast and away.
I need a new bike that is not a mountain bike and too hard for out-of-shape-me (just back to my normal activity after three months kept stagnant by a bad knee) to peddle up the Brooklyn Bridge. That won't add to the already lung-capacity-testing trek and eventual humiliation of having to give up, of having to stop and get off and actually walk the stupid thing up the not-at-all-steep incline. That won't act as a reminder of failure with each step as the boyfriend cycles back and around, asking what happened, what went wrong, right before a messenger comes barrelling down the pathway and crashes into him. And yes, he is okay and the messenger is okay and their bikes are okay and everyone apologizes profusely and sincerely, but I need a bike that wouldn't have started that mess in the first place.
I need a new bike which does not highlight my insecurities and worries, the same ones I've been trying over the years to, if not crush completely, at least squash down into tinier, more manageable worries. The worries that I will never know what everyone else does, that I will never figure out the things I'm supposed to know and do, that I will always be a bit too clueless, too much of a spazz. And that, despite my fervent belief to the contrary, that will turn out to not be okay. I need a new bike which does not prove this point, does not show me up for the unlearned person I may turn out to be.
I need a new bike that is sleek and beautiful and cool. That goes fast and runs light and never breaks in a way I can't fix. I need a new bike that is worthy of envy but only returns love. One that will carry me everywhere. One that will look out for me.
Maybe a Schwinn...