self-determination

in may 2004 there was a boy and there was a leaving and there was a misunderstanding about intentions, and so i wrote something i thought was true. i didn't post it then, afraid it was too specific, revealed too much, would be misconstrued. then time passed and new things arrived and promises were made and it all seemed different, hopeful, and now it's may 2005 and here we are again...

you are going into a brave new world and you are taking no one with you. this is unfortunate for me; i want to come. but there will be no stragglers! there will be no hangers-on! the world is vast and large and welcoming but you travel light and you travel often and you travel alone. unencumbered. free. singular.

this is not your most attractive quality. you think it is. many people will. girls will swoon. but unfettered and free can also mean running and noncommittal. alone can also mean self-absorbed. let anything go on long enough and it flips over into something else.

it isn't even that you won't take me along; it's that it never occured to you. my ideal is so close, and so is yours, and they are completely opposite. you want to enter your world as a pioneer and leave old things behind, and i am an old old thing whose specious value has run its course.

i found something i didn't even know i needed so badly. i found something i hadn't even sought, and you went seeking elsewhere.

"don't lump me in with the rest of those losers," he said. "this was different."
"what else can I do," I pleaded, "when you're saying exactly the same things?"

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