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a short play for a long weekend
When Exes Come to Visit, Your Hopes Can't Be Low Enough:
A Long Holiday Weekend in Three Acts
ACT ONE
Girl: Hey what's up? How are you?
Boy: I am guarded and unwilling to admit to it no matter how many times you make attempts to bring up the awkwardness. Also, I am going to put you into the role of "girlfriend/ex" and make lots of assumptions based on previous experiences and not on the person standing in front of me.
Girl: Wow, this is awkward. And it's very late.
Boy: Yes. Very late. (Puts hand on arm)
Girl: You can crash at my place if you want.
Boy: Let's kiss and make everything worse.
Girl: Well I think it's no big deal, so you must think it's no big deal too. And neither of us has a history of misinterpreting motivations or anything. Neat!
ACT TWO
Girl: So, do you want to go off and see all your friends?
Boy: No, let's hang out. But I'm still going to be weird and not discuss anything. Let's both go to our friend's barbecue.
Girl: Um, okay.
(Go to barbecue. Sit awkwardly. Know no one).
Boy: We could go to my other friend's bbq.
Girl: "We"?
Boy: Sure.
Girl: Let's go to my house instead.
(Go to house. Eat food. Sit awkwardly and watch tv).
Girl: Wow, this sure is awkward.
Boy: No it's not.
Girl: It's not?
Boy: Well, maybe...
(Watch subject drop to floor with thud).
Boy: Let's go watch the fireworks and meet up with our friend.
ACT THREE
(Catch tail end of fireworks, sneak into roof party, sit in corner with beers)
Girl: Sooo....(silence) Are you bored?
Boy: No. I like hanging out with you.
Girl: Clearly this is not the case.
(Phone rings. Mutual Friend is on his way).
Boy: So... about last night.
Girl: Yeah?
Boy: I don't know... I don't know if you think we're back together or what...
Girl: No. Not even a little.
Boy: It's weird for me being here and seeing all these people with you all the time. Everyone still thinks we're boyfriend/girlfriend and I didn't expect to hang out with you so much...
Girl: I didn't expect you to either. Which is why I kept asking if you were going back to hang out with your friends. Over and over again.
Boy: And I don't even know how to get around town without you and blah blah blah self-sufficiency and autonomy.
Girl: Yeah. I'm totally down with that. SO WHY DO YOU KEEP HANGING OUT WITH ME?
Boy: I think it would be better if I stay with Mutual Friend tonight.
(Mutual Friend arrives. Beer stealing, people falling off roofs, the dawning realization that 14 hours have been wasted waiting for a dumb boy to be honest and somehow that's now being turned around, making the girl feel completely foolish despite the stated lack of expectations, slow building fury).
Mutual Friend: Hey, let's go to punk rock dodgeball at midnight. We're riding our bikes. See you guys there.
Boy: Okay.
(Walk of silence to the subway).
Girl: By the way, I'm completely furious right now. If you don't want to hang out, don't hang out. But spending time with me and then making me feel lousy about it is unacceptable.
Boy: I just want to be a nice guy.
Girl: I'd prefer you be less of a nice guy and more of an asshole if it meant you were more honest with yourself and the people around you.
Boy: I've had bad experiences with other girls. I don't want to break anyone's heart.
Girl: Don't confuse the person standing in front of you with all the ones that came before. And for the record, you're not so cool that people can't get over you. No one is.
Boy: Well here's where I'm coming from.
Girl: Well here's how you made me feel. Let's fight for an hour.
Boy: Ok.
(End fight. Get to dodgeball. It's cancelled. Call Mutual Friend).
Boy: He's just going to sleep
Girl: Well... do you want to crash at my place?
and
End Scene!